satire

It should come as no surprise that the gun prohibitionists are in a tizzy because the BATFE has adopted sensible regulations during this time of COVID-19. The regulations allow gun dealers to use drive-in windows or a table in front of their store so as ensure social distancing. It never absolved them of running a NICS check or having a Form 4473 filled out.

Kris Brown, co-president of Brady United, opined, “We should not need to say this, but guns should not be sold like fast-food burgers or lemonade.”

That’s a nice little sound bite but lets look at what it would look like if fast food was actually sold like guns.

During this time of stay-at-home orders and eating your own cooking everyday, you decide you need a treat. You decide you want a BigMac, large fries, and a chocolate shake from McDonalds. If you don’t like McDonalds, it could just as well be a Whopper from Burger King.

To make it go faster you place your order over the Internet using the McDonalds’ app. After all, you’ve know about the Internet loophole from reading the literature of the food safety groups (formerly known as food control).

You arrive at the drive-thru window anxious to pick up your BigMac, fries, and shake. Instead of handing you your meal, the cashier ask you to fill out the USDA’s Food & Nutrition Service’s Form FAST. She tells you that they will need to run a NICS (Nutritional Inventory Check System) check through the FDA.

You are flabbergasted. But what about the Internet loophole you say! The cashier says you always have had to fill out Form FAST and have a NICS check even if you bought it over the Internet. You eventually get approval and go home to eat while grousing about the unfairness of it all.

However, imagine if you lived in Illinois or New Jersey or California.

In Illinois you would have to have your FFID (Fast Food ID) Card. If you were just visiting, the only way you could get it is if you had a non-resident eating permit. That also would be required if you just wanted to buy condiments.

Now in New Jersey, it gets a bit more cumbersome. There you would be required to apply for a Fast Food Application and Registration System permit in advance. To get the FFARS, you would have to submit an official cholesterol report and BMI to the nutritional police for their OK. Now if you wanted to get a Big Mac or Whopper that requires additional paperwork for your FFPID (Fast Food Purchasers ID). The rationale is that Big Macs are more dangerous than a simple hamburger.

That goes back to an effort by Josh Saccharine of the Food Violence Policy Center to confuse the general public by coining the term “assault burger”. He knew that a Big Mac had fewer calories than three slices of pizza but the average consumer would be wary of those people eating Big Macs because they were assault burgers.

Now assume our fast food consumer is in California. A regular Big Mac is banned because the State Nutritionist General has deemed it an Assault Burger. Thus, fast food restaurants have come up with California-compliant versions that replace the beef burger with a soy burger. Our man can still get his California-compliant Big Mac but he will have a 10 day wait to pick it up after placing his order, paying for it, and having the require background checks. If he wants extra ketchup, that requires a separate check.

If all of this seems a bit far-fetched, never underestimate the power of bureaucrats, nanny-state politicians, and anti-freedom groups to implement such a regime. They have done it for firearms which are actually mentioned in the Constitution so it isn’t that much of a stretch to see them do it for something that doesn’t have such Constitutional protections.

The point here is that when Kris Brown of Brady United or John Feinblatt of Everytown say that guns are being sold like fast food they are full of crap. You know it, I know it, and they know it.